I’m Giving Relationship Advice
Have you ever thought, or said: “I just need to get my eating under control.” Or how about: “I have no discipline around (fill in the blank food).” Perhaps you sometimes think: “I just can’t be around _____ because I can’t be trusted.”
I hear statements like these literally every single day from my clients, and I get it. I know what they/you mean. But the thing is, we’ve all been taught to think and say statements and thoughts like these. Its not natural, it’s not inevitable, it’s just part of the American food experience. Not all people, from all cultures, think this way. We have been taught that food is a substance to be feared, controlled, restricted and denied, but it’s also delicious and essential for life! Every single one of us is in a relationship with the food we eat, and many of our relationships are seriously dysfunctional, and in need of some help.
Think about this…would you want to stay in any other relationship in your life with a person that was controlling or that you constantly felt the need to control or change? With someone that denied you your basic needs? With someone who sucked the joy out of everything? Would you want to stay in a relationship that was based on discipline and lack of trust? Hell NO! You would run for the hills wouldn’t you? Your friends would stage an intervention. You would get therapy, you would find healing, you would explore how not to be in relationships like this again right? So why on earth do we all feel it’s normal to stay in unhealthy food relationships? Probably because it’s what we know, it’s what we saw role-modeled, and it’s the social norm. Probably because we don’t really know what a normal, healthy relationship with food is, or how it can feel, and we can’t break up with food like a toxic partner so we maintain the status quo because we’re not sure how else to be, or how to change. It doesn’t have to be this way though…you can change the dynamic between you and food. You can rehab this relationship. There is hope!
What does a healthy relationship with food look like? Like any relationship, it’s built on trust, reasonable expectations, joy and respect (like the opposite of how I opened this blog post huh?) It’s one where you feel peace, compassion, comfort, joy, relief, trust, and fulfillment from food. It’s one where you are confident in your ability to balance eating foods for nourishment, and eating foods for pleasure. It’s one where you feel no regret, and also no deprivation. It’s one where you listen to your body rather than trying to control it. It’s one where you eat to feel good in all the ways food makes us feel good. So how do we manage to have this relationship with food? Isn’t this the billion dollar question. Literally. About 75 billion dollars to be exact. This is the question that the American diet industry has been profiting off of for decades. The good news? You don’t need any of their B.S. Having a better relationship with food is possible, and the tools are free! Just like if you were trying to improve any relationship, you would learn that the skills you need are inside you.
Food Relationship Rehab 101:
Stop trying to “control” yourself, your food, and your body. And take it a step further. Remove the word “control” from your vocabulary when you talk and think about food. No one wants to be controlled. It feels terrible and inevitably leads to rebellion (which in the food world is usually a bout of over-eating the very thing, or things you are trying so hard to control or avoid.) Instead, replace your desire for control with curiosity. Ask your self deep questions about the foods you fear, or want to control. Learn about your relationship and history with these foods.
Replace your criticism with compassion. When you do eat something that you feel guilt or regret about don’t scold or attempt to discipline yourself. Instead, show yourself compassion (just like you would expect in a relationship with another human.) Our job is not to succeed at food, it’s to understand food. You have not “failed” if you eat something (or too much of something) that you didn’t mean to eat. Seeing this as a failure robs us of the opportunity to learn about it, to learn about about ourselves, and pretty much guarantees that it’ll happen again.
Ditch guilt and shame and decide that you deserve to feel good! And learn what feeling good feels like. I mean feeling good physically, and emotionally. Learn to tune in and listen to messages from your mind and body, and make note of how certain foods (or amounts of food) alter these messages. Guilt and shame derail our ability to learn from our experiences with food. Be an observer of your food behaviors, not a judge and jury. Once you see clearly how foods feel and affect you it is much easier to make healthy, empowered decisions about what and how you eat. I’ll give you an example…I ate a fried chicken sandwich today. Yup…your dietitian here, eating fried food. I didn’t have a lunch plan (mistake #1) and I had to eat what was available around me (nothing healthy). I ate the sandwich and now, as I write this I’m not feeling so hot. I kinda feel greasy on the inside and out, and I really wish I could take a nap, but I have 4 more clients this afternoon. Oh man would it be easy to feel shameful about this. Don’t you think the thoughts are swirling around in me like: “You’re a dietitian, you know better! What would your clients think? You’re supposed to be a role model and practice what you preach!” Yup, sure, I had those thoughts, but I also let them go cause no good comes of swimming in that soup! Instead, I’m drinking some water, brewing some green tea, and telling myself that I am human, I will learn the same lesson more than once, I will make a better plan next time, and I am grateful for this opportunity to feel how my body feels now so I can be more aware of what foods make me feel great instead of like this. I’ll eat something with fiber and protein and veggies for dinner and I’ll feel much better. Folks - I’m back on track, just like that. That crappy shameful thinking spiral would have led me right into a glass of wine, slice of pizza, and bowl of popcorn or ice cream at 7pm. I know me. That’s why this is progress!
Give yourself grace and ditch perfectionism. Just like you would not want a partner, friend or family member to expect you to be perfect, you should not expect your relationship with food to be perfect either. Create your own definition of a successful relationship, and accept that it will have components that you might perceive as flaws. Flaws are unavoidable, and essential. Flaws make us interesting, and help us learn. Flaws make us.
Stop fighting and slow down. White knuckling through a meal or social event is exhausting and activates our fight or flight response. It feels terrible. Do you really think you can make any kind of sustainable healthy food choices when you feel terrible and on high alert all the time. Nope. Not gonna happen. Learn to slow down, be present, be observant, and be open.
See the beauty. Human beings are not Koala bears. Koalas only eat eucalyptus (also, they are not actually bears - but I digress). They have literally no desire to eat other foods, or curiosity about other foods. They don’t get excited about their eucalyptus, and they also don’t feel bad that they only get to eat eucalyptus. Part of what makes you human is your desire to eat tasty foods, and a variety of them. Part of what makes you human is that you get to get excited about food, and have emotional connections to food, and reactions to eating. It’s a beautiful thing, not something to wish away. Appreciate it, lean into it. Embrace it.
Perhaps all of this sounds easier said than done, or good “in theory” but feels overwhelming to consider putting into practice. That’s normal. Improving your relationship with food doesn’t happen overnight, and often “takes a village” as they say. If any of this resonates with you, consider finding someone to talk to. A therapist or registered dietitian (ideally both!) can help you find your way and break this into actionable pieces. In the meantime, know that you’re not on an island, you’re feeling feels that lots of us feel, and you got this!